A Change is a Coming!!!

Note: I wrote this particular post at the beginning of the year. Sorry for the delay, but I hope it inspires. Blessings to you all.

It’s been awhile since I have posted anything. Actually it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything (well, at least on online). Being that it is a new year with new expectations and a new outlook on life, it’s time for some changes to take place.

Now I hate to sound so cliche, being that people make their New Years resolutions around this time, but this is not necessarily my resolution for the year. I really don’t consider this to be a resolution at all. It’s more of a declaration, if you will, to myself. I declare: #5 freedom from all unnecessary drama, #4 avoid people that aren’t worth my time (meaning hypocrites, naysayers, liars, etc.), #3 getting in shape (for real this time), #2 following my intuition, and #1 putting myself first.

Once again, this is not a New Years resolution. This is something I plan to do for the rest of my life. I realized by the end of 2014 that I let my dreams, purpose, and goals fall to the way side. I put men and money over myself as well as letting life beat me down to the point I didn’t believe I could accomplish my dreams anymore. I let people talk me out of things I had a desire to do and allowed people’s opinion to dictate my life. No more! 2015 is a coming out year for me to get back to working on accomplishing my dreams and achieving my goals. “No more drama! No more pain!” as Mary J. Blige sang so beautifully. A new year = a new me. A new Toby. Smile ’cause good times are ahead.

The Case of the Ex

Although this post was supposed to be published November of 2013, but life took of and I eventually forgot about it. But I would still like to knowledge this encounter especially since it was about my ex-boyfriend. So here is what happened…

While trying to bond with one of my new co-workers at a local bar, I graciously ran directly into my ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend on his arm. Pleasant surprise, right? Well, it actually went okay. No hard feelings, however; I did try to pretend for a brief moment that my co-worker was my new boyfriend, but he didn’t know that (my ex I mean). Plus, by the time my ex and I met face-to-face my co-worker had disappeared into the crowd. That plan was a complete failure from the beginning anyway. Nonetheless, my ex and I made eye contact, smiled, and said hi then continued with our evening.

After that close encounter, I realized that I was finally over him (after several months of tear stained pillowcases and soggy sheets), nonetheless I was over him. I actually laughed a little bit while my ex did his usual rounds of greeting all the people he knew, grabbed a couple of drinks, then left the bar about an hour later. See why I laughed now? If not, let me explain. My ex is beyond predictable. While we were dating, I could tell him what he was going to do before he did it. He had the same routine everyday, the only way he would change it was if I came in and surprised him with something as simple as walking through the park. Seems weird right? Boring even? That was my ex! Boring and predictable. Sitting at the bar observing from a distance this creature of extreme habit, I realized that not only did not want to be with a person like that, but HE IS HER PROBLEM NOW! And I will just sit back and laugh.

Someone Like You

Most of us are familiar with that lovely song by the beautiful and talented Adele. Due to my recent relationship failure, this song has now become my anthem. I know it’s been awhile since I have posted anything, but life quickly took over and continuously snapped me in the face, especially pertaining to my relationship status (which still remains single).

The beginning of the year, I decided to date a man significantly older than me. The age difference was never apparent, but we would make small jokes about one other. However, everything was going well for the first couple of weeks, then things took an unexpected turn. The mother of his children retrieved my number from his cellular device and boldly called me. Once the first phone call was made, lets just say the situation ended in a police station.

(Let the funny faces and awkward noises begin)

After that dramatic ordeal, I had a guy much closer to my age approach me. The problem that immediately appeared was that his situation was very similar to the older gentlemen I was dating previously. Keeping that in mind, I told the new guy that he was going to have to jump larger and even more hurdles to prove that he was worthy of my time. As the months slowly went by, there were red flags that came into view, but he tried his best to assure me that I had nothing to worry about. With ever obstacle that I throw at him, he conquered it. He continued to surprise me as each month went by. We began to hang out outside of work (oh I forgot to mention we work together). Walking around the park until 3 am just talking about anything and everything. He was truly showing me that he was willing to do whatever it takes to be with me and around me. But just like the last situation, things quickly went down hill when the mother of his children retrieved my number from his cellular device. Not even a week later, everything we were building on was destroyed. We are no longer dating or even communicating at the moment.

Now you are probably wondering what do these stories relate to the title of this post. This is how. The guy I was dating last showed me something I haven’t had in a long time and that was sensitivity and love. Although I do not know for sure if all the things he told me was true; the way he expressed himself was nothing I have ever experienced before. Because of him, I now know that I want someone like him. Not like him in every aspect but the way he expressed himself and the love he showed me is something I will never forget and I will hold that standard for the next guy that comes along.

Guy Troubles Part II

The Guy Troubles continue.

Now to get back to the original topic; my guy problems never seem to end. My guy problems never seem to end. Guy Troubles Part I was addressing the trouble my friend was having, but this entry is about my recent encounters with the opposite sex.

I still haven’t had much luck with guys this year. At the beginning of the summer, I was getting some assistants from the local career center and so was this guy that took a great interest in me. He approached me with a bit of hesitation but it was successful because I gave him my number. However, I didn’t hear from the guy until three weeks later. Why did it take him so long? He said he lost my number, and to make it even worse he confused me with a female he met while in the club. That should have been a red flag, but I proceed to continue getting to know the dude. Then about a week in a half in, I find out he was two years younger than me. Hopefully you (whoever is reading this) can imagine my concern regarding his maturity level. We still continued to get close and spend time together, but a problem soon presented itself. My concern became reality. His maturity level was extremely low and the fact that he began asking me for money and to borrow my car while I’m at work added to the problem. Let’s just say he is now one of the numbers blocked in my phone.

Then smack dab in the middle of the summer and it just so happen to be my birthday; I met another guy. Well, actually we have known one another for awhile because we would strike up a small conversation every time I went to the bank for a withdrawal (he works at my bank). On my birthday, he finally decides to give me his number to get to know each other better. To keep it short, the communication between us was short lived. Everything started out fine, but soon he became a bit inconsistent when it came to communicating with me and seeing me. So to this day, I still don’t know why he wouldn’t talk to me on a more consistent basis.

So what’s the lesson learned here with these two guys? Communication and consistency is key (at least for me).

Reality Check

This post has absolutely nothing to do with my original blog topic, but I feel like venting a little bit. No one told me that life after college would be this difficult. I never realize how much of a safe net college was until I graduated and began looking for a job. Well, actually I started looking for a job six months before I graduated. Here is the short version of my struggle:

At the beginning of my job seeking journey, there were high hopes. Hopes that I would find the job of my dreams, move to the big city right after graduation, and begin my career in the field I studied in college. However, as the months went by and failed interview after failed interview, there I stood graduation day in the hallway of my university’s gymnasium ready to walk across that stage with my degree in hand and no job to go to the following Monday. Reality truly hit when it took me an extra two months to find a job. And that job was in retail. Dream job, right? Wrong. It was horrible. The manager played as if he loved everyone working for him, but passive aggressively cut everyones’ hours and slowly but surely edged people off of the weekly schedule. So much so he took the majority of the workers completely off the schedule.

So what does that mean for you, you might ask? That means I am back on the hunt for a job willing to give more hours to a struggling graduate. Now, I have luckily find another job working in a restaurant as a server. Happy I am now making money again, the lesson I have learned from my short time being out of college is that life doesn’t always go as planned; and (as my parents told me) I am going to have to work plenty of different jobs before I get to the job of my dreams.

Happy Job Seeking Everyone!!!

Guy Troubles

For the last couple of months, I have observed a number of my friends go through guy problems. They were all going through different things but nonetheless guy problems.

One friend began the month of March liking a guy that stays in her hometown. she met him through a friend. Everything was going well. They were constantly talking on the phone and texting. They weren’t able to see each other much but the chemistry was there. The true test came when she went to see her family and hopefully him for the Easter holiday. She still wasn’t able to see him like she wanted but he tried to make a way for them to be together in unorthodox ways. He, unfortunately, still lives with his parents (who are pastors) and he wanted my friend to sneak over to his parents house. Now for some people might not see anything wrong with this situation, but for my friend, it showed a level of immaturity and too close for comfort. She, of course did it anyway because she liked him but she was uncomfortable with the whole situation, not to mention the sexually pressure he was giving her was unwanted. In the end, she had to let him go. Although he made her happy and they were talking for about a month, she still to do what was best for her. She didn’t like what she was turning into so, she had to end it. 

Staying in Love

This song is one most people can relate. I know I can definitely relate to it. There has been so many times I have been in a relationship and I am the one trying to keep it afloat. Even when the love is gone.

I’m So Happy for You

One of my dearest friends has finally find love. I have known her for almost five years, and for those five years, she has been single. We all know the single life is hard for those who haven’t quite embraced it’s lifestyle, but she endured and came out on the other side. She is one of those women that doesn’t take BS, and I have truly learned a lot from her. She has recently met the man of her dreams. I haven’t met him yet but from what she tells me, he seems to only have eyes for her, and knowing her past experiences with men, this is a miracle. There has been so many times that she has like a guy and they have like her until they see her friend. Then the guy gravitates towards her friend. I can only imagine how hurtful that can be.

But with this guy, it’s something different. i have never seen her smile so much or call a guy babe or sweetie. It really warms my heart to see her so happy and satisfied with someone. Even though they have not made it “official”, I can tell she is considering taking it to that step. Her happiness has made me happy and it also help me to realize what I want in my next boyfriend. 

When is it Enough?

Recently, I discovered that this guy was interested in me. Now, usually when a girl hears that a guy is interested in them, especially if it’s the guy they have been liking for awhile, the girl is usually pretty excited and happy to hear that he is interested to. Well, in my case, this particular guy is mostly interested for provocative reasons. Due to my past experiences with the male species, this discovery doesn’t surprise me. But here is the problem; from the first time we spent time together, I could tell that he wasn’t truly interested in pursuing as a potential candidate to fill the girlfriend position. How I came to this conclusion was quite simple. The ques I picked up were major red flags. For example, I asked him questions, you know, to get to know him, however; I didn’t get asked any questions. When asked was he truly interested in me, his response was “I don’t know yet.” WRONG ANSWER!!!!

Maybe it’s because of my past failures with guys, but now that I have lived and learned from those experiences, there are things I just can’t take anymore from guys. To my ladies out there, when is it enough enough. We have to start asking, no, demanding more from these men and from ourselves. We put up with so much that shouldn’t have to put up with. We have to raise our standards and expect more from men. The bare minimum is unacceptable. Dead beats, cheap skates, the unemployed, the mama’s boy, the cold-hearted, and the list goes on. These type of men are unacceptable. Ladies, we no longer take these type of things laying down anymore. It’s the time to take the bull by the horns and accept nothing but what we went.  

Should the Woman Approach?

There was a discussion about brought up a couple of days ago about rather or not women should approach men? Most women would rather a man approach them but men respect and appreciate a women approaching them. I, personally, prefer to the Biblical text and it says He who finds a wife, finds a good thing. I have always been taught that a man should always approach a woman. Plus, if he is truly interested in the woman, he should approach her. It shows his interest and that he is willing to get what he wants, for lack of better words. Plus the morals I was taught as a child has always stuck with me. Plus, when I have approached a men, it usually ends badly, so I say let the man approach. 

There also a double standard as well as behind that. I have also heard from men that if a woman approaches them, she is looked at as a whore, excuse the language. So the public service announcement is to my ladies out there: Let the men approach you. Make them work for your affection. It will worth it in the end and they will respect you more.